Flying for Dummies

"There’s nothing to flying a plane. You pull the stick thingy to go up and you push it forward to go down. Piece of cake. These pilots are nothing but a bunch of glorified bus drivers I tell you"

These were the words of a passenger seated next to me who was obviously well travelled and knowledgeable about everything under the sky. These were also - thankfully - the last words in a long tirade which included gas prices, the Middle East peace process and airline food. All in a drunken stupor courtesy of the free flowing airline red wine. Of course the red wine was put to shame by the shades of red his face developed when I told him that I was a licensed pilot myself. If nothing else it got him to shut up while I caught up on movies that I couldn’t bother spending money on in the theatres. I spaced out in a bit while listening to Natalie Portman extolling the virtues of a pure physical relationship to Aston Kutcher. I got to thinking about how people tend to totally misunderstand flying as a profession. The age old images of flying come to mind - the pilot having an easy job, getting paid by the sack load and generally having nothing better to do than walk around airport terminals with a shapely stewardess on each arm. Allow me to clarify then.

Despite all the funny jokes, Flying is a profession to be taken seriously. Things can go from ho-hum to awww-crap-F%$#-s*^&-OMG in about three seconds or less. Which is why pilots spend a great deal of time and effort (and money!) to achieve proficiency at what they do. If pilot examinations are an indication, pilots today are a heady mix of aviator, navigator, engineer, cartographer, meteorologist, psychologist, regulator, physicist, radio operator and much more with some leadership and people management skills thrown in for good measure! And they can’t just sit on their behinds once initial licensing is complete. Life as a commercial pilot has a steady supply of examinations, check rides, sim evaluations and medicals. All this in addition to everyday life problems associated with working odd hours, being away from home for extended periods and medical layoffs not to mention the general havoc wreaked upon the circadian rhythms.

Flying isn’t just takeoff-autopilot-land. That is just the tip of the cumulonimbus (a little aviation humour there... he he... no? Sigh...). There is a great deal of work involved in each flight. Pilots are human beings too. Not miracle workers. So don’t take out your anger on them the next time your flight gets delayed or you're woken from your slumber because of a little turbulence. Show some appreciation and smile at the flight crew when exiting the aircraft instead of grunting like a Neanderthal. Not too much to ask for, is it? They did get you halfway across the world in one piece.

Present Tense, Past Perfect - Love 101

Women are the root of all evil. Women and money my friend. I’d recalled this line from some movie I’d seen. My 5 year old brain did not see the sense in that when there were a whole host of other problems to worry about like baths and hospital folk with needles. That is until that fateful day when I was left for dead by the girl of my dreams. Actually I don’t really remember my dreams from back then but I can safely assume that she starred in most of them. In fact I don’t really remember anything about her. Let’s just call her Jia for now. 

Jia was the queen of the playground. She looked a stunner in her uniform and tiny matching plastic accessories. Yes, the same grey uniform that made the rest of us look like rejects from a Nazi movie production set. And she had the cutest little ponytail to top it all off. Real cover girl material this.  I had eyes only for her. Well her and that killer rocking horse next to the slides. Not that it really mattered. I had no luck with her (or with that damn horse for that matter!). In fact I'm confident that she wasn’t aware of my existence.

But in that little utopia that was my head, we were the best of friends, the worst enemies and everything else in between. And I was always the perfect gentleman. Letting her have my place in the line for the slides, taking my finger out of my nose when she looked and... well there isn’t much a guy can do for a girl in kindergarten. But it was frustrating not to get any attention from said girl. You hear all that talk about being blinded by love and I was slowly starting to realize the validity of the statement.

Take for instance this one time. It was a hot Saudi summer afternoon. The bell had just gone off and we were shuffling off to our buses to get back home. Jia lived two streets down from my house. This worked out perfectly for me since I got to share a bus ride with her every day. Only today wasn’t like every other day. my parents had moved house over the weekend and in spite of Amma's repeated reminders about switching buses (accompanied by the constant rolling of my eyes at her) I happily followed Jia into her bus with a head full of daydreams and not a clue as to the size of the drama that was about to unfold. The bus ride was pretty standard with me uttering monosyllables and her just nervously playing with her ponytail. I was kind of bummed out when the bus pulled over at my regular stop. She almost seemed relieved (though I’m sure that was just the sun playing tricks with my eyes). I hopped off and walked around the corner. One look at my old building and the daydreams were replaced by a cold sinking fear. I stepped into the building and knocked on the door knowing full well that Amma wouldn’t be there to open the door for me. But a small part of me kept praying that she'd lost her way back from work too. Five minutes later and all hope had vanished. Obviously no one answered the door. So I did what any resourceful 5 year old would do in my place - I cried... and how! Mustering up all possible energy I screamed at the top of my very asthmatic lungs. Soon I’d woken up all the housewives in the building from their afternoon naps. In spite of being on the receiving end of some very angry glares, I was glad because in the crowd were a few familiar faces. Soon I was inside a cool kitchen drinking Sunkist while phone calls were made by responsible adults. And before I knew it I was in my car riding back home and reciting tall tales of my bravery and dishing out advice on how important it was to keep a cool head like I did through tough situations.

Needless to say Jia ceased to become a primary concern for me and I never ever ever mixed up buses again - well, until we shifted houses again anyway. I wonder where she is today and whether she has an inkling about the trauma she caused her boyfriend/stalker in kindergarten.

Poetry in Motion

If this video doesn't move you, I don't want to talk to you again... Ever!!