Excess Handbag(gage)!

You know how that old saying goes. A bird in the hand is worth two in the handbag. Mainly because the ones in the handbag are suffocating under a wide assortment of feminine accessories. Apparently diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Her handbag is (though a diamond studded strap would be well received I imagine). A second skin of sorts. A place to hide her deepest and darkest fears (and that half eaten rice krispy). A formidable black hole that seems to defy the natural laws of physics governing volume and space.

There is a reason I bring all this up. I was out with a friend at Connaught Place last weekend and she was kind enough to point out that I was a moron for carrying an empty backpack with me. This was just a pre-emptive measure on my side because I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with shopping bags in my hand in case I gave in to some of my more primal instincts and actually decided to buy something. I got right back at her by pointing out that she wasn’t carrying a large lady bag like all the other pretty faces around us. She didn’t seem to be too bothered by the accusation and started discussing the semantics of what constituted a handbag, a purse and a wallet. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that she was the exception that proved the rule about your average lady about town and the need for her to lug around her life's baggage.

Now I’m not the tidiest of individuals but even I'm taken aback by the chaos that reigns inside a handbag. How someone can retrieve something from that mess is a mystery. It must be some sort of secret mantra passed down along the ages from mother to daughter while we sons and fathers were busy watching reruns on TV. But do you really need all that stuff? How much bigger does fashion dictate these bags get before somebody dislocates a shoulder joint? And don’t even get me started on all the nice things you could have for the price of a designer bag.

 A friend once argued that in an emergency a girl would survive longer because the handbag was like a mini survival kit. Pfft! I'm no expert but I wouldn’t want to place my faith in the nutritional value of lipstick and mascara. The only things of any edible value one might find in a bag would probably be the aforementioned rice krispy, some old breath mints and that really really small bottle of mineral water. And that's not going to get you very far in the wild now, is it?

Having said all of that I do respect the sanctity of the bond between a woman and her handbag. But I have given up trying to understand the rationale behind it. Just another one of life's great mysteries I guess. Like the birth of the universe and that darned chicken who crossed the road.

The snippet below is something I saw online recently that's apparently been doing the rounds for a few years now. I had to post it sometime and it sort of validates my post. It illustrates how the simple act of withdrawing funds from a drive though ATM can be so different for the sexes. It’s funny. Y'know, because it’s true!

MALE PROCEDURE:

1.Drive up to the cash machine.
2.Put down your car window.
3.Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.Put window up.
7.Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1.Drive up to cash machine.
2.Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6.Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.Insert card.
9.Re-insert card the right way.
10.Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.Enter PIN.
12.Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.Enter amount of cash required.
14.Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18.Re-check makeup.
19.Drive forward 2 feet.
20.Reverse back to cash machine.
21.Retrieve card.
22.Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23.Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25.Redial person on cell phone.
26.Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.Release Parking Brake.